Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Thursday Thoughts -- OK with Inadequate

I am a perfectionist. A classic 'Type A' overachiever. For all 3 of you who read my blog (Hi Mom, Dad, & Mimi), you know that I have been studying for the Bar Exam.

A few weeks ago as I was studying, I thought to myself how inadequate I felt to take the test. This thought surprised me. School has always been my strength. It's easy for me. I enjoy it. I've never had to struggle academically. School is the one thing that I have always been good at. So the realization that I wasn't doing well was kind of shocking. (Ok, it was so scary that I had nightmares about failing the Bar and the Supreme Court yelling at me for being a failure).

(Yeah, Justice Scalia was in my dream.
Very Scary.)

Then, I started thinking about all the other areas of my life that I am inadequate in. I am an inadequate housekeeper, an inadequate friend, an inadequate mother, and an inadequate girlfriend.

But most of all, I am an inadequate Christian. God is Holy; He is pure. He cannot be around sin. And I am an innately sinful creature. Nothing I ever do will change that. All my good works are like filthy rags to God. Being "good" will not make God love me any more than he already does.

And strangely enough, this was a comforting thought to me. Not the part about me being so sinful, but the part about God's unconditional love. He does not expect us to be perfect. This is a load off my shoulders. It's relieving to know that I don't have to impress God. When I fail, when my inadequacies are most apparent, He doesn't withdraw His love.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I am OK with being inadequate.

1 comment:

  1. heyyy I read your blog maam. And I'd have to disagree with where you say you are inadequate cuz you are my best friend and your house rocks and your kid rocks and your boyfriend obviously saw something more than adequate in you he proposed after 5 months!
    lol luv u